Tuesday, 25 November 2014

Recommending Razi to ISIS

                                             LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION
It gives me immense pleasure to write for Mr. Razi Kazi whom I have known for the past six years in the capacity of a Chief Terrorist Officer at aL Maika Private Limited. In this period, Razi has successfully carried out many terrorist attacks in various parts of the world under my expert guidance. In the course of my acquaintance with Razi, I have had many opportunities to observe him at close quarters. Therefore, I can state with conviction that he is endowed with essential qualities required to succeed in a highly revered Master’s program in Terrorism at the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS) university such as penchant for violence, expertise in beheading, misogyny, and lethargy.

After watching umpteen videos on YouTube and Dailymotion on religious riots and needless wars waged by Satan i.e. America, Razi joined our organization as a Trainee Terrorist in 2008 and since then he has not looked back. Razi has gone on to become a Senior Terrorist at aL Maika in a short span of time by virtue of his passion for committing acts of extreme violence. Razi’s skills in this regard came to the fore during a terrorist attack carried out by one of our sister organizations, namely Lashkar-e-Murabba in a namaloom country. I am happy to inform you that as many as 200 kafirs were done to death in that attack with Razi playing an important role in the planning and execution thereof. For this feat Razi was presented with Terrorist of the Month award by our management. Besides, numbers speak for themselves. Up until now Razi has killed more than 3,000 human beings. By my troth, not often one comes across such a barbarian.

Razi has more than one strings to his fiddle. Since expertise in beheading is an essential requirement to secure admissions into the ISIS, Razi has taken a number of steps to hone his skills therein. For instance, for the past three months he has been doing an internship at an abattoir in the vicinity of our headquarters. Every day Razi beheads at least 50 chickens, cows, goats and any other creatures he can lay his hands on so as to prepare himself for the academically and physically challenging graduate program at your esteemed institution. Although he has not achieved perfection, yet I am convinced with your expert guidance, world class laboratories, renowned faculty, and hands on training, he would become an efficient executioner before long.

Another quality that impresses me most about Razi is his hatred of women. He has displayed his misogynistic attitude on several occasions whilst working with aL Maika. I vividly remember an instance when Razi took the responsibility of stoning a woman accused of adultery to death. The woman had ventured to talk to a man in the middle of the road, thereby disregarding our model code of conduct for the fair sex. How dare she? Razi, without wasting any time, reported this matter to us and she was at once awarded with death penalty for her ‘debauchery’. Thereupon, Razi on his own hook dug a pit in the ground, collected as many as 100 stones, and kept hurling them at her until she was dead as a doornail and he was out of gas, so much so that for the next one month Razi could not move his right hand. Poor boy! Nonetheless, as misogyny is considered to be a cardinal virtue in the ISIS, I am confident Razi will do very well there.

Like you and I, Razi also believes in making easy money. Ever since he has come to know about the oil wells captured by the ISIS and thriving business of kidnapping in occupied territories, he has been dreaming of joining you. He is a true fighter who would do anything for income obtained with a minimum of effort, even kill and maim fellow human beings for no fault of theirs. Furthermore, Razi is a dyed-in-the-wool believer in the idea of an Islamic Caliphate ranging from North Pole to South Pole. He wishes to play an important role in this fantastic enterprise of yours.

In a nutshell, Mr. Razi Kazi possesses six years of work experience, a record of violent acts, blood on his hands, and above all extreme mental retardation or idiocy. These qualities make him an ideal candidate for the much sought after Master’s program in Terrorism at your reputable institution. Thus, I am convinced if given a chance, he will prove to be a valuable asset to the ISIS. Please feel free to touch base with me, if you have any queries with regard to Razi.

Yours Truly,
Baimaan al-Zolawari
Chief Terrorist Officer, aL Maika Private Limited, Tora Bora
Contact No: +0000001000000
Email ID: BaimaanZolawari@aLMaika.com

No comments:

Post a Comment